I'm Cracking

Every year at this time, I shut down.  I am unsure why?  Maybe because we spent our summers, at the cottage together fixing things.   We were a team.  We finished each others thoughts.  He was my it.  I just want to run and hide somewhere.  And not come out until the end of August.  I can't think straight, I'm crying at work in my office, I want to be alone most of the time.  People wonder why I haven't gotten over it.  I can't. Its simple.


When does it get better

My heart hurts today. My husband has been dead for 3 days. I've only had one major breakdown. When does the hurt stop. Will it every. All the bull shit about how he's in a better place now. Fuck off. Being with me was just fine thank you. Living with me was super actually. I'm angry, sad, hurt, happy, relieved there are so many emotions and I hate every single one of them.

My husband is dead.

Fuck off with your advice strangers, just hurt with me. Don't tell me he's better off. Fuck off.

I'm sorry. I really am. I don't mean to be an asshole, but my entire body aches today.

In the end

There is no future, there is no past...I saved that moment for our last...

Kristen James David Brown passed away at 3:07 this morning...

I need to rant

My mother-in-law here by named Mrs.Brown because at 35 years of age I am only allowed to call her Mrs Brown, not her first name has disliked me since the day she met me. When Kris proposed he called her all excited and she said to him are you sure you have the right girl Kris. She called my Mom a couple of days before our wedding and said, I am not paying for any of this, I must take care of myself. This women is made of money ok. And we didn't ask her for a penny. She is nasty to the core to me and this spring and summer to Kris, I think the stress she caused and the abuse she threw her sons way caused him to get sick again. I have email after email of abuse and at one point I even asked her to stop abusing her son, I think I begged it of her.

Mrs Brown just can't stand that her little boy chose someone she didn't approve of. Not sure what the issue is really, I make 6 figures, dress well, I'm funny as all get out and I can lift more than 60 lbs and still clean up to look like a rockstar.

BUT...Nope no buts she hates me...

There has been this disagreement happening and I asked her not to bring something. So instead of bringing that thing, she brought Kris' ex-girlfriend to the hospital today. This is an ex-girlfriend that cheated on Kris, left him with bills and horrible things were done.

YUP! Don't bring a blanket, but show's up with an ex-girlfriend instead.

I can't make this up!


I've contemplated sharing this all day. But after a major break down by me this evening, it's time. The doctors said today, maybe a month, maybe less. Most likely less. They will stop the transfusions, stop the platelets, they will manage any pain he is in. I am toying with bringing him home with some at home care, and will discuss this with him to see if this is what he wants and if we both think that we can manage. His is non ambulatory which means he can't walk. If you have any pictures of Kris I need them, all of them, we are going to have a bang up celebration of life to show this world how bravely he fought and what an amazing full of life person he was. I am not going to be as vocal over the next little while. You ALL know now. No I'm sorries, he may be leaving this world, but he is bound for endless meadows of steep and deep powder. He always was the better skier :D He is truly one of a kind. And as you all know by now....WORD UP!